It's November. I don't know where October went but it's November. The war started October 7, can three weeks really have passed? I'm not sure. So much has happened so maybe it's possible.
The girls have gone back to school, I’m managing to work- even to move forward on some long term goals my boss and I set before all this. Yedidya has visited twice- 36 and then 48 hour breaks. 84 hours where I could pretend things were normal, where our family was together, where I didn't have to do it all alone. I started therapy, therapy is good, it helps.
I've moved through the initial panic- I was supported through it with family and friends helping me take each step. They provided me both with moral support and practical help and I could not have made it through without them. I will never have the words to fully express my appreciation.
Settling into our new routine leaves space to move out of myself and really start to grieve our national loss. To give headspace to those murdered and kidnapped on October 7. To the soldiers killed and wounded since. To look at their beautiful faces and feel their loss. These are hard feelings but they are important.
As I sit with my young daughters in our safe room or hear them express how they miss Abba I ask myself some hard questions. What was I thinking moving here? How can I have done this to my children? And then I see the news of anti-Semitic attacks all over the world and I remember. Jews are not safe anywhere. Any Jew can be attacked just for being Jewish no matter what country they're in. So I will proudly raise my children here. In our home among our people. Where their father serves in the army that protects us. Where they see signs everywhere saying "Together we will win" and "The Jewish nation lives". Where they see how we come together to help each other through hard times. Here where even though we are in danger, we are safe. We are safe because we will win.
The past three weeks have been unlike any others in the history of the Israeli state. The next weeks will bring more loss and more grief. We will continue having to justify our existence as we fight for our lives. But we will win. We will win and I will continue to raise my daughters to be proud Jews, among their people, in their home.
