On the Inside

 On the outside I look fine

But on the inside I'm broken

I worry for our nation

I pray for peace 

On the outside I look fine

But on the inside I'm broken

I mourn their deaths

I pray for their families

On the outside I look fine

But on the inside I'm broken

I see their faces

I pray for their return

On the outside I look fine

But on the inside I'm broken

I picture them fighting

I pray for their safety

On the outside I look fine 

But on the inside I'm broken

I wait for his call

I pray it won't be his officer

On the outside I look fine

But on the inside I'm broken

I drop them off at school

I pray there won't be sirens 

On the outside I look fine

But on the inside I'm broken

I tuck them in at night

I cry for their reality

On the outside we look fine

But on the inside we're broken

We're broken, but we will win

עם ישראל חי 

How I Do It

 

Since Yedidya has been in miluim (army reserve duty) many people have expressed to me that they "don't know how you do it!" How I manage the house, the kids, my job all by myself while also worrying about my husband's safety and keeping my own sanity (not to mention the baseline worry, fear, and sadness that every Israeli is feeling these days). To be honest I’m not entirely sure how I do it either.

Here's what I do know. I'm not by myself. I am constantly supported by friends and family. The girls and I pack up and go away every Shabbat- to my parents or to Yedidya's siblings. All the Unterbergs and Kennards take care of us over the weekend and send love and support throughout the week. During the week my brother and his girlfriend, who also live in Givat Shmuel, come over to help whenever I need them. Having extra sets of hands, in particular attached to people the girls already know and love, gets me through each week. On the rare occasion that they weren't available I invite the girls over to friends for playdates. Families who currently have both parents at home are always happy to help a miluim family. In addition, the Anglo community of Givat Shmuel has created a network of volunteers to help miluim families. We receive a home cooked dinner twice a week and a weekly treat. These amazing women have also organized weekly cleaners, sponsored manicures, and a Chanukah party to further help miluim wives and children. We also have an assigned buddy we can turn to if we ever need any other assistance.

On the emotional front I'm enveloped by love all time. Whether it be through the WhatsApp group of Anglo miluim wives or friends and family checking in and sending treats. If I'm feeling down, there is always someone I can turn to. I also signed up for the free six months of therapy offered to all Israelis by Better Help and have a virtual therapy session once a week.

While none of this help makes the situation easy, it makes it possible. It means I go to bed every night knowing that I went to work and did what needed to be done, the house is (mostly) clean, the girls are fed and as happy as they can be. I still fear for Yedidya's safety. The girls and I feel his absence like it itself is a psychical being, especially now when he cannot use his phone. I find myself two minutes here and there over the course of the day where I can be alone and cry. Somehow the time passes and every day finishes. In a sad way we adjust to our new normal. Nearly three months into this I can't really imagine going back to regular life. It's honestly a little scary and it will be an adjustment once again. I worry what it will mean for our country, knowing we can never go back to who we were as a nation on October 6. Yesterday my therapist and I were discussing Jewish history and she said the Jews are like a phoenix. Others try and destroy us but we always rise from the ashes. I trust in God to bring us through and help us rise again. I trust in Him to bring Yedidya home to us. I thank Him for the people he has put into my life who logistically and emotionally get me through every day. I keep going, one day at a time in hope that tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrow will be better.

 

Three Weeks

It's November. I don't know where October went but it's November. The war started October 7, can three weeks really have passed? I'm not sure. So much has happened so maybe it's possible.

The girls have gone back to school, I’m managing to work- even to move forward on some long term goals my boss and I set before all this. Yedidya has visited twice- 36 and then 48 hour breaks. 84 hours where I could pretend things were normal, where our family was together, where I didn't have to do it all alone. I started therapy, therapy is good, it helps.

I've moved through the initial panic- I was supported through it with family and friends helping me take each step. They provided me both with moral support and practical help and I could not have made it through without them. I will never have the words to fully express my appreciation.

Settling into our new routine leaves space to move out of myself and really start to grieve our national loss. To give headspace to those murdered and kidnapped on October 7. To the soldiers killed and wounded since. To look at their beautiful faces and feel their loss. These are hard feelings but they are important.

As I sit with my young daughters in our safe room or hear them express how they miss Abba I ask myself some hard questions. What was I thinking moving here? How can I have done this to my children? And then I see the news of anti-Semitic attacks all over the world and I remember. Jews are not safe anywhere. Any Jew can be attacked just for being Jewish no matter what country they're in. So I will proudly raise my children here. In our home among our people. Where their father serves in the army that protects us. Where they see signs everywhere saying "Together we will win" and "The Jewish nation lives". Where they see how we come together to help each other through hard times. Here where even though we are in danger, we are safe. We are safe because we will win.

The past three weeks have been unlike any others in the history of the Israeli state. The next weeks will bring more loss and more grief. We will continue having to justify our existence as we fight for our lives. But we will win. We will win and I will continue to raise my daughters to be proud Jews, among their people, in their home.